reflections from the inside
by miriya v
Summary: Jecht is looking out, but his vision just isn't so good anymore... [Jecht PoV, possible seinen-ai hinting, challenge fic]


  
  
Well...here's my attempt at the Lyric Wheel challenge. ^_^;; I can't vouch for quality, but then again, I never can. Sucks, don't it? I got my song, and I was reading through it, and my first thought was: AH! I can play with this, sounds like Tidus trying to get into Auron a bit. See if he responds, if he's still the same person who let his mal-adjusted arse get sucked into that funky ass whale thing. Hey daddy! But noooo...not that easy.   
  
Jecht likes to mess with my head. ~.~;;; Damn you, Jecht, Damn you. And your little blitzball too. So, as a bit of revenge, I decided to hop into Jecht's head. And (once I got through all those images of Auron and Braska *ahem*) I looked at the song again. It was talking too. The muses and I agreed, for once. This here bit is me trying to 'be' Jecht, and thinking how he does, coarse language, disjointed thought and all. (Not that difficult, once I got the hang of it. At least...I think. Hm. Yeah, I got into _okama_ Jecht's head, and made him think about a little...buddy of his.) Nothing bad, of course, since the point isn't bling-bling, it's SAD. Sniff.   
  
Mou...insomnia makes me a raging sarcasm machine. -.-;; Maybe that's why I ended the fic early?   
  
Anyway. On to the same-old, and then the fic.   
  
Fun with Disclaimers: Not mine. But I think Jecht and Auron belong to...each other. And Braska. Under Square's waveringly-heterosexual care, of course. The song, which I have pillaged random lines from, I will reveal at the bottom...and it's not mine. But wouldn't it be interesting if I was sent lyrics to a song I wrote? Oh, sweet irony, I can taste you in my mouth like cellophane. That's right. You're choking me. My mind wanders.   
  
Let me tell you now: Shounen-ai hinting, if you choose to see it that way. I made everything ambiguous enough that it can run friendship or deeper (I prefer deeper...and I'm sure Auron does, too. Harder, ne? _YEAH_.). A fic for everyone! Also, this is Jecht-sama talking, so there's gonna be a few potty words. Nothing to rate over a PG-13 sort of rating, though (one f-word, that's the worst of it, and my 12 year old brother has a worse mouth than Jecht). I'm losing my touch.   
  
Enough blabber...I'm incoherent, and probably needing to be drug away from this here screen. But not until it's over. So here you are. _Enjoy._   
  
  
  
reflections from the inside  
a final fantasy x fanfic by miriya valentine   
  
---   
  
_Here I have been waiting,   
It seems for quite a while   
Changed all my reflections   
But inside I'm still just a child   
But inside still just a child ...  
...you shall be, you shall be, you shall be forgiven...  
_ Ben Harper, Forgiven   
  
_Keep me caged and free the beast   
Falling faster, time goes by,   
Fear is not seen through these eyes   
What there was will never be,   
Now I'm blind and cannot see   
Kiss me while I'm still alive   
Kill me while I kiss the sky...  
_ 3 doors down, Life on my Own   
  
---   
  
I used to feel you. I used to see you.   
  
I watched everything happen, from that time when we were seperated for good....damn, it seems like so long ago, but then again, it's kinda hard to tell time in here. You were such an idiot, you stick -- what the hell were you thinking? Anyone could see that trying to attack that woman was hopeless, not even a tough guy like you could survive. I sure as hell know I couldn't, and I'm not real big on admitting stuff like that.   
  
Was that why you did it? I know how you felt about Braska -- hell, I felt it too, maybe even from that first time you two came in to get me. He was like the ocean's tide; no matter how you tried, you couldn't resist the pull. But you made me a promise -- I wasn't afraid, even when she was kicking your ass across the remains of what I once knew as home. I knew that you would never break a promise...even to a drunk fuck-up like me.   
  
But I'm more than that now, you know? Not like it's something to be proud of...I wonder how you feel about that. I know what I was getting into, but man, I never thought it would be like _this_. When I got into this, I thought that I would be smart enough to figure something out. I didn't think I'd still be myself, but not.   
  
Sometimes it gets a little fuzzy up here, you know? Here in my head...sometimes it gets real hard to think.   
  
I'm glad it's not you in here. I know that much, for sure.   
  
Cuz I don't know if I could do to you what I want you to do to me.   
  
I think that you used to hear me, too. Sometimes, when I was watching you -- you'd be out by the dock or something, staring out at nothing -- I always felt bad for you, cuz you were wearing that frown. Not the one with the glare, the one I always got, but the frown you wore when you were thinking hard about things. Maybe I was hoping, but I'd be watching you, and I'd sing that song. You know the one I mean? And sometimes, when I'd sing, you'd look up and you'd smile.   
  
You used to smile like that for Braska. And sometimes, I'd like to think you'd smile like that for me.   
  
Nowadays, it's getting real hard to see you anymore. I see a lot of stuff in here, little bits and pieces of other folks' memories, parts of the beings that are now just bricks in the wall I can't get around. I've never seen him, though, and I'm glad about that.   
  
I've watched you gettin' older (_you look like an old man, already_), watched the grey creeping into your hair like dawn sneakin' up on the night...and it kinda makes me feel funny, cuz I haven't changed at all. I'm just...here. I don't think I'm ever getting out, either.   
  
But sometimes, Life's a real bitch. And then you die. Heh. I like it -- it's kinda been my mantra since I got here. Hell, maybe longer than that.   
  
_You're coming, aren't you? You know what to do?_   
  
I don't really think I can see you at all, now, cuz the things I'm seeing don't change anymore. I'm not really me now, I don't think -- it sounds funny, I know, but I think you'd understand.   
  
Maybe it stopped mattering, cuz I'm starting not to care that it might be only memories, sunny liquid dreams in my leaking blitz sphere of happiness. Something's in here, and it's not me.   
  
It isn't stopping me. I close my eyes and I keep seeing things.   
  
_You'll stop me, won't you?_   
  
-fin   
  
---   
  
There we are. Did you catch them? The little pieces of lyric are from 'call me call me' from the Cowboy Bebop OST (3, I think it said?) Whoever sent it, I owe you. ^_^ I now have a shiny, happy MP3 added to my playlist, and one can never have enough of those.   
  
Was it any good? This was written in a period of about 45 minutes, with nothing but Jolly Rancher chews, a 7-11 code red slurpy, and the whirring sound of my computer burning CDs to keep me company. I look at Jecht and think I need to be hearing something from the three musketeers 5-0 or something. e.e (Or maybe some good ol' indie punk. Yeah. That's a good choice, too. Or maybe Dir en Glay. *waves J-butt-rock flags*)   
  
So. Anyhoo. If it was worth mentioning, dropping a little note saying how you felt I did would be a Big Happy Spot of Joy in my life of existing within the Arizona Ghetto.   
  
And, if you caught it, Jecht called Auron a STICK instead of a stiff, cos well, that's what he called him in the original version (you big tough stick in the mud, you). Trust the ever-homophobic American Translater Community to give us yaoi lovers something to poke at (no pun intended...I think...) and snicker about. I mean...you've seen the horrors of what happened to Card Captor Sakura and Tokyo Babylon. Rika Takashi? Did you do this thing?  
  



End file.
